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Talking to Children about
Death |
Living with Death
Death is a reality that children, like all of us, can learn to live
with.
Even before the death of a close family member occurs, parents can
begin to introduce the idea of death as a part of everyday life. The
nightly news, a trip past the cemetery, or a dead plant or bird may spark
conversation about death.
Start early, be honest and encourage children to talk about their
feelings regarding death.
Periodic conversations about death are important since understanding
death is a gradual process. Children will take in the information as they
are ready and increase their understanding as they develop.
Children feel the loss of loved ones just as intensely as adults do,
although this grief is often expressed in different ways: through play,
art or even acting out.
Children will cope with grief according to the stressors created by
their relationship to the person (or animal) who has died.
Ages and Stages
Newborn to 3 Years
Even the youngest of children sense when their family routine is
disrupted and those around them experience emotional upset. However,
infants and toddlers have little understanding of death.
Child's reaction:
Changes in sleeping, eating and mood.
How to help:
 | Keep routines and physical setting as familiar as possible. |
| Provide constant nurturing. If parent is too distraught, seek a
caring adult substitute. |
Ages 3 - 6 Years
Typically, a child will not understand that death is permanent. The
child may think of it as temporary or magically reversible, or may even
appear to be unaffected. Fears that dead people may be cold or hungry in
the grave are common.
Child's reaction:
May have frightening dreams, repeat questions about death, revert to
earlier behaviors.
Children may play out the events surrounding the death. Children this
age will take words literally. Since children have limited experiences,
they make sense of the world by connecting events that don't relate. For
example: Aunt Sally died from a headache. Daddy says he has a headache.
Maybe he will die, too.
How to help:
| Look into the child's eyes and touch the child gently when
discussing a death. |
| Shorten time away from the child. Be sure he knows where you are and
how to reach you. |
| Avoid words such as sleeping, resting, loss, passed away, taking
a long trip. |
| Talk about what it means to be dead in concrete terms such as
someone doesn't breathe, eat, go to the bathroom or grow. |
| Repeat simple, honest explanations as often as the child asks. |
| Reassure the child of his own safety and your plan for continued
presence. Share that most people die when they are older. |
| Allow expressions of feelings such as drawing pictures, reading and
telling stories about death or the loved one, or reenacting the funeral
service. |
Ages 6 - 9 Years
A child this age may view death as something that comes and takes
people away or can be caught like a cold.
Some children may still think the dead person will return. Guilt may
make a child feel responsible for the death through her own wishful
thinking (I wish he would die!), harsh words (You'll be the
death of me yet.) or not doing something (I didn't help Grandpa mow
the lawn. Now he died.). Fears related to death may arise.
Child's reaction:
The child may feel distressed, confused and sad or show no signs at
all. Fear of abandonment by other family members is common. Often these
children are obsessed with the causes of death, as well as the physical
processes to the body after death.
How to help:
| Be a good listener. Correct any confusing ideas the child may have.
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| Provide play opportunities and routine. |
| Reassure the child the death was not her fault. |
| Provide opportunities to open discussion with a quiet child by
reading stories related to death. |
| A child who chooses not to talk about the death may be comfortable
writing or drawing her thoughts in a journal. |
Ages 9 - 12 Years
Preteens have a better understanding of the permanence of death. Some
children in this age range may appear to be unaffected by death on the
surface. They may see death as a punishment for bad deeds.
Child's reaction:
Anger directed at a variety of people -- self, parents, others, the
person who died, siblings. Guilt and grief stem from the anger as do
feelings of responsibility.
How to help:
| Assure him that the person didn't die because he was "bad."
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| Talk about the ways in which things are different and how they are
the same. |
| Reassure the child he did not cause the death. |
Teens
Teens have an adult-like understanding of the finality of death and
realization that everyone will die. They may inappropriately assume
responsibility for adult concerns, such as family and financial
well-being.
Teens may assume the roles of the deceased person or deny feelings and
express anger which creates added pain.
Teen's reaction:
May feel confused, responsible, helpless, angry, sad, lonely, afraid or
guilty.
How to help:
| Talk to the teen without criticizing or judging. |
| Express your own feelings about the death. |
| Guard against letting the teen assume adult responsibilities and
reassure him of his roles. |
| Reassure the teen that he did not cause the death. |
| Continue to support and listen to the teen's feelings although he
may appear to be handling it. |
| Allow time for solitude and reflection. Be available to talk on the
teen's time frame. |
Should young children go to the funeral
home?
Yes, if they are prepared for what they will see, who will be there,
how people may be feeling and what they will be doing. For young children,
be specific in your descriptions of what the surroundings will look like.
For example, describe the casket and clothes and that the body will be
lying still, not able to breathe or talk. Answer questions and encourage
the child to go with you. Bring along someone to care for the child if you
are distraught.
Going to the funeral home
| Provides structure for early grieving. |
| Helps bring a sense of closure. |
| Provides a place to vent emotions and receive support from family
and friends. |
| Includes the child so she doesn't feel angry or left out. |
Should young children attend the
funeral or memorial service?
Yes, funerals and memorial services provide needed rituals. But
children of any age should not be forced to participate. Other rituals
that may be helpful include remembering the loved one's birthday and
reviewing photos and keepsakes to be reminded of the loved one.
Although children of varying ages have
differences, there are common threads.
| Share information at the child's level of understanding. Find out
what the child understands. Don't assume what is known. |
| Talk about and accept feelings. |
| Share rituals. |
| Be available for ongoing discussions since mourning is a process.
Admit that you do not have all the answers. |
| Share information in doses the child can handle, small bits at a
time. Let the child know it is OK to be angry, OK to be mad. |
| Allow the child or teen to be silent about this issue. |
Books Dealing with Death
Preschool
Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs by Tomie De Paola. Young Tommie
learns what it is like to be young and old, very old, and finally to die
by visiting his grandmother and great-grandmother. G.P. Putnam's Sons, New
York, 1973
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst. A young boy
learns to deal with the death of his cat by remembering all the good
things about him. Antheneum, New York, 1971
6-9 Years
Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley. Badger's friends are sad
when he dies, but they treasure the legacies he left them. Mulberry Books,
1984
Saying Goodbye to Daddy by Judith Vigna. Frightened, angry and
lonely after her father is killed in a car accident, Clare is helped
through the grieving process by her mother and grandmother. Albert
Whitman, 1991
9-12 Years
Grover by Vera and Bill Cleaver. Grover attempts to deal with
the death of his mother and the changes her death has made in his life.
J.B. Lippincott Co., 1970
A Taste of Blackberries by Doris B. Smith. A story told from the
child's perspective about a young boy who loses his friend, including the
two boys' relationship, the accident and the ambulance, the rituals
involved from the visitation to the graveside service, and how the young
boy begins to make sense of the death and learns to go on with his life.
Rinehart and Winston, 1983
Teen
When a Friend Dies: A book for teens about grieving and healing
by Marilyn E. Gootman. Furnishes teens with important information on
understanding grief. Free Spirit Publishing, 1994
Death is Hard to Live With by Janet Bode. Teenagers talk about
how they cope with loss. Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing, 1993
Adult
How Do We Tell Children? by Dan Schaefer and Christine Lyons.
Designed for adults to help children better understand and cope when
someone dies. Newmarket Press, 1988 revised
Good Answers to Tough Questions by Joy Berry. Answers to tough
questions children may have about death. Children's Press
April 1995 (Reviewed and reprinted April 1996)
NDSU Extension Service, North Dakota State University of Agriculture
and Applied Science, and U.S. Department of Agriculture cooperating.
Sharon D. Anderson, Director, Fargo, North Dakota. Distributed in
furtherance of the Acts of Congress of May 8 and June 30, 1914. We offer
our programs and facilities to all persons regardless of race, color,
national origin, religion, sex, disability, age, Vietnam era veterans
status, or sexual orientation; and are an equal opportunity employer.
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