Looking back, I've
often thought the doctors should have written a death certificate for me
as well as my son, for when he died, a part of me died too.
Andy was almost twelve. For over three years he had been battling
cancer. He'd gone through radiation and chemotherapy; he'd gone into
remission and out again, not once but several times. I was amazed at his
resilience; he just kept getting up each time his cancer knocked him
flat. Perhaps it was his pluckiness and grit that shaped my own attitude
about Andy's future or maybe I was simply afraid to face the possibility
of his death; whatever the cause, I always thought Andy would make it.
He would be the kid that beat the odds.
For three summers, Andy had gone to a camp for kids with cancer. He
loved it and seemed to relish the week he could forget about hospitals
and sickness and just be a kid again. The day after he returned from his
third camp adventure, we went to the clinic for a routine check-up. The
news was bad. The doctor scheduled a bone marrow transplant for two days
later in a hospital 300 miles away from our home. The next day we threw
our things in a suitcase and left.
One of the things I tossed into my suitcase was the present Andy had
brought me from camp- -a plastic sun catcher shaped like a rainbow with
a suction cup to attach it to a window. Like most mothers, I considered
any present from my child a treasure and wanted it with me.
We arrived at the hospital and began the grueling ordeal the doctors
said was my son's only chance. We spent seven weeks there. They turned
out to be the last seven weeks of Andy's life.
We never talked about dying- -except once. Andy was worn out and must
have known he was losing ground. He tried to clue me in. Nauseous and
weak after one of the many difficult procedures he endured on a regular
basis, he turned to me and asked, "Does it hurt to die?"
I was shocked, but answered truthfully, "I don't know. But I
don't want to talk about death, because you are not going to die,
Andy."
He took my hand and said, "Not yet, but I'm getting very
tired."
I knew then what he was telling me, but tried hard to ignore it and
keep the awful thought from entering my mind.
I spent a lot of my days watching Andy sleep. Sometimes I went to the
gift shop to buy cards and notepaper. I had very little money, barely
enough to survive. The nurses knew our situation and turned a blind eye
when I slept in Andy's room and ate the extra food we ordered off of
Andy's tray. But I always managed to scrape a bit together for the paper
and cards because Andy loved getting mail so much.
The bone marrow transplant was a terrible ordeal. Andy couldn't have
any visitors because his immune system was so compromised. I could tell
that he felt more isolated than ever. Determined to do something to make
it easier for him, I began approaching total strangers in the waiting
rooms and asking them, "Would you write my son a card?" I'd
explain his situation and offer them a card or some paper to write on.
With surprised expressions on their faces, they did it. No one refused
me. They took one look at me and saw a mother in pain.
It amazed me that these kind people, who were dealing with their own
worries, made the time to write Andy. Some would just sign a card with a
little get-well message. Others wrote real letters: "Hi, I'm from
Idaho visiting my grandmother here in the hospital . . ." and
they'd fill a page or two with their story, sometimes inviting Andy to
visit wherever they were from when he was better. Once a woman flagged
me down and said, "You asked me to write your son a couple of weeks
ago. Can I write him again?" I mailed all these letters to Andy,
and watched happily as he read them. Andy had a steady stream of mail
right up until the day he died.
One day, I went to the gift store to buy more cards and saw a rainbow
prism for sale. Remembering the rainbow sun catcher Andy had given me, I
felt I had to buy it for him. It was a lot of money to spend, but I
handed over the cash and hurried back to Andy's room to show him.
He was lying in his bed, too weak to even raise his head. The blinds
were almost shut, but a crack of sunlight poured in slanting across the
bed. I put the prism in his hand and said, "Andy, make me a
rainbow." But Andy couldn't. He tried to hold his arm up, but it
was too much for him.
He turned his face to me and said, "Mom, as soon as I'm better,
I'll make you a rainbow you'll never forget."
That was the one of the last things Andy said to me. Just a few hours
later, he went to sleep and during the night, slipped into a coma. I
stayed with him in the ICU, massaging him, talking to him, reading him
his mail, but he never stirred. The only sound was the constant drone
and beepings of the life-support machines surrounding his bed. I was
looking death straight in the face, but still I thought there'd be a
last minute save, a miracle that would bring my son back to me.
After five days, the doctors told me his brain had stopped
functioning and it was time to disconnect him from the machines keeping
his body alive.
I asked if I could hold him. So just after dawn, they brought a
rocking chair into the room and after I settled myself in the chair,
they turned off the machines and lifted him from the bed to place him in
my arms. As they raised him from the bed, his leg made an involuntary
movement and he knocked a clear plastic pitcher from his bedside table
onto the bed.
"Open the blinds," I cried. "I want this room to be
full of sunlight!" The nurse hurried to the window to pull the
cord.
As she did so, I noticed a sun catcher, in the shape of the rainbow
attached to the window, left no doubt, by a previous occupant of this
room. I caught my breath in wonder. And then as the light filled the
room, it hit the pitcher lying on its side on the bed and everyone
stopped what they were doing in silent awe.
The room was filled with flashes of color, dozens and dozens of
rainbows, on the walls, the floors, the ceiling, on the blanket wrapped
around Andy as he lay in my arms-the room was alive with rainbows.
No one could speak. I looked down at my son and he had stopped
breathing. Andy was gone, but even in the shock of that first wave of
grief, I felt comforted. Andy had made the rainbow that he promised
me-the one I would never forget.
Reprinted by permission of Douglas
Burgess © 1999 from Chicken Soup for the Prisoner's Soul by Jack
Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Tom Lagana. In order to protect
the rights of the copyright holder, no portion of this publication may
be reproduced without prior written consent. All rights reserved.
